ramblings of a spoon

Thanks, Julianne!

I’m not expecting much anymore. Not after the last few years. I don’t know what could be done to make it better but I do know that I just want to be home so I can spend time with Tommy and I want to have the security of our relationship back. I don’t know what’s causing all of what’s going on right now but I wish I did.
I feel like I’m a craptastic girlfriend and a selfish bitch to boot. I can’t do anything right and I don’t know what to do either. He says he wants more communication but I’m not so good at that. He wants to know every little thing I do and I start feeling smothered by that and I guess maybe that’s why I react the way I do??
I don’t even know right now. I’m just trying to brace myself for a shitty birthday.

And strangely, I’m ok with that. I think I’ve accepted that I’m not good enough for his standards and I think maybe I’ve been unconsciously sabotaging it. Who knows. I just know I feel pretty shitty right about now. Worthless and stupid and not good enough come to mind and they run around convincingly enough that I’m starting to believe it.

Getting ready for the leadership sessions to start. This is gonna be awesome :) I’ve met another girl from Texas and she goes to Hebron, I’m going to have a session tomorrow with the director at Marcus, I met the president of MFA and the director of the symposium, and so many people I don’t even know where they all come from. There’s the two guys from Canada, a group from Georgia, a huge group from Alabama, and a lot of people from the same schools. Not many solos like me. Incredible is the only word to describe it.

According to my boyfriend’s parents I’m not good enough for him. I know that I don’t have a very good view of myself sometimes, but really this is just too much. It started with them thinking I worshiped Satan (I don’t, I’m just agnostic) and it’s continued with his father telling him that there’s other girls out there and then encouraging him to check other girls out…while Tommy and I are STILL DATING. I don’t know about y’all but to me that just screams blatant disrespect, extreme dislike of me (I don’t see why) and I honestly don’t think it’s their place to really do that.

And then tonight, his mom tells him that someday he’ll find a girl who loves him.

Thanks for implying that I don’t love my boyfriend.

She’s normally a very sweet lady and I think I do have a fairly good relationship with his parents, but seriously if this kind of shit keeps up then I’m just going to disrespect them as they do me. I understand you want what’s best for him…and so do I. They should stop burning the bridges with me, because what if I end up as their daughter-in-law?

Will his father encourage him to cheat on me? Or will they just accept that they can’t destroy our relationship? No matter what. I promised Tommy I would be here for him always, and I’ve told him that I will love him for a very long time, possibly forever (barring anything major like death, cheating, etc) and honestly? I think our relationship is a lot stronger than his parents want to believe.

All I really think is that they should remember who might give them grandchildren, and who can remove their rights to see those grandchildren. Because if this shit keeps up, I will.

watching

waiting.

she stands there and lets the salty water crash over her feet, burying them in the sand. anyone who’s stood where the waves gently roll over your toes knows the feeling — first the sand beneath your heels is stolen away, and your arches are still supported, making for an awkward way to stand until you shift your feet. the sand feels cleansing, like it’s washing everything away. she can stand there and take this, this simple wave over her feet.

and she stands there and contemplates life as her skirt blows in the wind, a hand on the fabric in modesty. her hair blows into her face on the salty wind, and she makes no move to push it away.

there are shells in her hands, loosely fisted by her sides, and she watches the sun set, tinting her world and the sea a deep orange. her feet are bare, covered in sand, and her rings are set aside (cleaning sand from all the nooks and crannies and crevices in her class ring is unappealing for some reason) with her shoes. she stands alone: though many are nearby, they pay her no mind and she is left to her thoughts of the sun and the water.

and somehow….she prefers it that way. even if it doesn’t last.